Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
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Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try