Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
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No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
happy friday
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
Fiction has to make sense.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.