I think the 2016 Cubs would beat the 1908 Cubs. First, the 1908 Cubs are all dead. Second, the 2016 Cubs are all alive.
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“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
We never really turn the phones off.
Forgive me Twitter for I have sinned, it’s been twenty minutes since my last Tweet.
I laugh like a dumbass every time I hear the term ‘manhole’.
Maturity will not be reached.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know which one of your friends your ex is going to sleep with next
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
How do German people not choke to death when they talk