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I think the 2016 Cubs would beat the 1908 Cubs. First, the 1908 Cubs are all dead. Second, the 2016 Cubs are all alive.


“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car


Dear Airlines,

We never really turn the phones off.



Forgive me Twitter for I have sinned, it’s been twenty minutes since my last Tweet.


I laugh like a dumbass every time I hear the term ‘manhole’.

Maturity will not be reached.


JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?


JUDGE: it’s a fine

MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not


Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know which one of your friends your ex is going to sleep with next


According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch

but I can’t throw my chair at him


me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”