gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
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*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no