@NoChillPosts

YALL FEMALES ARE THE DEVIL

You Might Also Like

@JeremyBRoberts

I think the 2016 Cubs would beat the 1908 Cubs. First, the 1908 Cubs are all dead. Second, the 2016 Cubs are all alive.

@smithsara79

“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car

@DaHess1

Dear Airlines,

We never really turn the phones off.

Signed,
Everyone

@ryaninco

Forgive me Twitter for I have sinned, it’s been twenty minutes since my last Tweet.

@mustachewine

I laugh like a dumbass every time I hear the term ‘manhole’.

Maturity will not be reached.

@ShortSleeveSuit

JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?

MARIO:

JUDGE: it’s a fine

MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not

@NYC_Blonde

Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know which one of your friends your ex is going to sleep with next

@Smooheed

According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch

but I can’t throw my chair at him

@KeetPotato

me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”