6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
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Ya know those scenes where the guy shoves everything off the table and throws a woman on it yeah I’ve only done that with pizza
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”