yall i cant breathe rn

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6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?



Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.


Ya know those scenes where the guy shoves everything off the table and throws a woman on it yeah I’ve only done that with pizza


“Eat right and exercise?!?…

I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”


Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?

Why not a pufferpuma?


me: the heart wants what the heart wants

heart: please stop drin-

me: whiskey it is


If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”


If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.


gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky

me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata


every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”