Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
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[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store