@FemaleTexts

yall i cant breathe rn

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@Dutch_50

Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.

@JediGigi

[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.

@SteveSuckington

[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?

“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*

“It was me. I shit on the rug”

@TheRolo

My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.

@WheelTod

[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm

@caliluvgirl77

If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?

@SadieSmithRoks

You can learn a lot about a man based on how he responds to a bird pooping on him.

Also background checks and digging thru his trash.

@Kristen_Arnett

the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken

@hippieswordfish

lobster christian grey: ‘my tastes are very…..singular’

*opens closet door revealing hundreds of rubber bands*