@FemaleTexts

yall i cant breathe rn

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@XplodingUnicorn

6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?

Me:

6:

Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.

@ixSEANxi

Ya know those scenes where the guy shoves everything off the table and throws a woman on it yeah I’ve only done that with pizza

@AmishPornStar1

“Eat right and exercise?!?…

I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”

@batkaren

Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?

Why not a pufferpuma?

@FU_TangClan

me: the heart wants what the heart wants

heart: please stop drin-

me: whiskey it is

@WilliamAder

If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”

@StaceyLynne_44

If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.

@CAshmanActor

gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky

me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata

@aedison

every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”