I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
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When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Happy Star Wars day!
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.