My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
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what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Home is where your toilet is.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man