@HelloCullen

Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us

Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us

- @HelloCullen

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@MissHavisham

I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.

@tsm560

Me: Is it open casket?

Friend: It’s a wedding!

Me: Oh god nobody wants to see that

@OhNoSheTwitnt

“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.

@Home_Halfway

{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear

@notacroc

BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?

@KimmyMonte

i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.

@samalmightysam

Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.