Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
You Might Also Like
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
My dress code is business-casualty.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip