I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
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I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea