[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
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Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.