In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
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Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
#oldknees
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
LOOOOOOL