At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
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[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
We’re all getting idioter.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.