y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses

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[operating room]

NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…

NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now


My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”


In an attempt to converse about the amount of stupid in the world I unironically used the phrase , “They’re not the brightest knifes in the box”

My husband is currently holding his head in his hands and rocking


Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.


guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there

first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much


When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.


[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face


She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.


I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with a pocket knife and the contents of a woman’s purse.


I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.

I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.