y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
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Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.