@bocxtop

y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses

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@grillyjoel

[operating room]

NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…

NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now

@D2BMcG

My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”

@dimplesticks

In an attempt to converse about the amount of stupid in the world I unironically used the phrase , “They’re not the brightest knifes in the box”

My husband is currently holding his head in his hands and rocking

@badbanana

Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.

@Shen_the_Bird

guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there

first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much

@Laser_Cat

When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.

@frogpissmouth

[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face

@TheAlexP

She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.

@silvertongue37

I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with a pocket knife and the contents of a woman’s purse.

@XplodingUnicorn

I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.

I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.