yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
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Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
I’m not lazy
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.