Y’all ready for this
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Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Don’t talk down to me
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math