Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
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Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce