yall tired of boiling water every time you make pasta? boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later.

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ME: Hello cheesecake, my old friend
DARKNESS: Okay wow, I’m right here


Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.


If playing Grand Theft Auto makes you violent, why hasn’t 25 years of me playing Madden made me a professional football player?


JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film


When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?


My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.

So I’ve got that going for me.


~At a snowboarding store.

Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.

Me: i know


Me: Wait, what, oh the board…


Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.


I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.


DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?

SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute

ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]