I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
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*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
“Huge”.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.