@datassque

yall tired of boiling water every time you make pasta? boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later.

You Might Also Like

@EyeSeeYou619

ME: Hello cheesecake, my old friend
DARKNESS: Okay wow, I’m right here

@SwedishCanary

Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.

@TheMichaelRock

If playing Grand Theft Auto makes you violent, why hasn’t 25 years of me playing Madden made me a professional football player?

@zachobeepo

JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film

@ChickenFrecklez

When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?

@darksidesith75

My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.

So I’ve got that going for me.

@thevickster_sa

~At a snowboarding store.

Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.

Me: i know

Him:…

Me: Wait, what, oh the board…

@jwoodham

Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.

@simoncholland

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

@dorsalstream

DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?

SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute

ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]