@girl_a_whirl

Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.

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@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?

@audipenny

Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this

@crunchenhanced

Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.

But it was hollow. And white chocolate.

@notalogin

With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.

@Bandersnaaatch

I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.

@TweetPotato314

[texting my friend]

me: sorry I missed your party yesterday

friend: it’s today actually

me: read this again tomorrow then

@BadaBinge

There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.