Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.

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Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?


Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this


Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.

But it was hollow. And white chocolate.


With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.


I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.


[texting my friend]

me: sorry I missed your party yesterday

friend: it’s today actually

me: read this again tomorrow then


There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.