Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
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“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
3% human
97% stress
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up