When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
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Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole