Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
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dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place