{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
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Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Our lord and savoury.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
Not today. 😅
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good