@colesprouse

Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.

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@Poutymcgee

The cat licks itself and it’s cute. I do it and I’m “no longer allowed in the library”.

@TitansHomer

Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??

What about that really cool hashtag we made?

They didn’t free them when they saw it??

@MyNameIsArchaic

I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.

Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…

ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.

@BruceForce

I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.

@OrdinaryAlso

Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?

Random person who answered the phone: Yes.

Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?

@mrjohntofu

Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?

– everyone

@JohnHilsen

Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.

@__candypants

If you break up and get back together more than twice, I will not listen or care about your relationship problems you idiot.