Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
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It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people