Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
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[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty