*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
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I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need