*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
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Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
selena gomez
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread