Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
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Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers