@DumbConfessions

Yay summer!

*gets drunk outside*

Yay winter!

*gets drunk inside*

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@JohnLyonTweets

I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.

@Thynebear

[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*

@KentWGraham

Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.

@LilBlueBlood

Mom: Want to come over for dinner?

Me: No thanks, already ate

Mom: What did you have?

Me: Peanut butter

Mom: With?

Me: Spoon

@TheWhaleFacts

The difference between cars and whales is that whales can swim and cars can’t.

@christinaloca

Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.

@nocturnallyme

I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.

@QueefTornado

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

Except marriage, marriage will kill you.