I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
*gets drunk outside*
*gets drunk inside*
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The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
The difference between cars and whales is that whales can swim and cars can’t.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
She changed her mind ..
Hope the new one works !!
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Plays tetris. Gets a circle.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.
Except marriage, marriage will kill you.