Yay summer!

*gets drunk outside*

Yay winter!

*gets drunk inside*

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If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.


I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.

We’re talking about food, right?


-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…


When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.


3yo: I need to pee!

Me: Well, go then!

3yo: *goes toward bathroom, but stops halfway* I can’t hold it!

Me: Then go!

3yo: *goes in bathroom, comes right back out with pants around ankle* I’m not going to make it!


Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)


*you see a bear approaching you*
Quick play dead!
*bears comes running up*
Oh god! OH GOD! What’s happening!? Wake up! WHO DID THIS TO YOU!?


DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all

DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad


Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now