@OGSeventy7

Yea autocorrect….I wanna luck your puddy and flick you in the asks.

Perfect

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@JohnLyonTweets

Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.

@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I’m a light eater

ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb

@LackOfShame

You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.

@AndrewNadeau0

INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.

@SunnySideUp1987

If you text me in all CAPS, I will assume we are meeting In the street to fight in the near future.

@lazerdoov

Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat

@finn_viqueen

[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]

Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.

Girl- You mean a condom?

Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.