I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
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I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?