Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
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turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
podcasts
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.