yea so i messed up lol
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(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.