yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
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Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
Lol #dogsoftwitter
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!