God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
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SPLOOT
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
love it when they get my name right
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
i will not be silenced
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!