“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
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no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
#ParentingFacts
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.