@ballerguy

Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost

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@clarkekant

At some point in time, the brain named itself. You think it would have gone with something a little better, like Bernard.

@RatBatallion

The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .

@politicalmath

I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.

@HansGrubertron

GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.

ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.

@genehunter1

After the delicious brownies have all been consumed following my funeral,
a video of me will inform everyone that they just ate my ashes.

@nachdermas

ME: what’s an owl’s favorite band
DATE: what
ME: the Byrds lmao
DATE: … wait why wouldn’t it be the Who
ME:
DATE:
ME: i like you, charlotte. this was nice. but i think i’d like to go home now.

@CantWaitToNap

Husband: “I heard that sex is a great way to relieve the stress of Coronavirus.”

Me: “I heard that the Coronavirus will likely cause a spike in divorce rates.”

@Ngamsi_

Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you

@MrSpoonicorn

*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions