Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
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A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess