Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Yeah baby, I’m the lead singer in a band. Well, more of a backing singer. More of a Drummer. Triangle player..Roadie. I Saw a band once.
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Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
“The pleasure is all mine”
Omg you’re so selfish
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
Long distance relationships sucks 😳😳
Fridge you’re coming to my room.?
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.