Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
Yeah baby, I’m the lead singer in a band. Well, more of a backing singer. More of a Drummer. Triangle player..Roadie. I Saw a band once.
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HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
If your wife asks what would you do without me?
ENJOY MY LIFE is not the correct answer
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
I like to yawn in front of people so they yawn and then I can say “You’re tired I should go.”
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Your secrets are safe with me, I wasn’t even listening to you.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION