@jazmasta

Yeah baby, I’m the lead singer in a band. Well, more of a backing singer. More of a Drummer. Triangle player..Roadie. I Saw a band once.

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@Book_Krazy

Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex

Alex: Having one wife too many

Me: What is bigamy

Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy

@sixfootcandy

HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?

ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.

@SondraDeeMe

When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.

@EtobicokeErnie

If your wife asks what would you do without me?

ENJOY MY LIFE is not the correct answer

@Cpin42

To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.

@StellaRtwot

I like to yawn in front of people so they yawn and then I can say “You’re tired I should go.”

@_Tempo11

Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.

@jake_likes_naps

DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION