This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
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Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah