Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
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Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Catering service
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog