@10InchesPlus

Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?

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@JillianKarger

friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously

me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!

@UncleDuke1969

Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.

@SamuelHLowe

– Hello, princess. Can I call you princess?
– No.
– OK then, Mr. Smith, let’s just get started with your prostate exam.

@fuzzlime

*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”

@badbanana

What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?

@notalogin

Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.

@retardedwriter

This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”