Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
You Might Also Like
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
kitchen magnet
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.