Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano

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My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger


Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman


Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need


i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.


No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.


Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.


*Love in the time of coronavirus*

Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?


1) It’s not very hard


“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain