Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
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Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Best spoiler warning ever
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca