Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
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it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
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who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous