Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
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I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.