rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
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When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Noted.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.