@Mom_Overboard

Yeah I do yoga.

Ninja Yoga.

I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.

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@girlnarly

scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?

me: i’ll give it a go

scientist: but you were just here yesterday

me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then

@stevevsninjas

[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.

@better_off_dad

You never get a second chance to make a first impression…

…and so I bite.

@TheWeirdWorld

Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.

@Vodkantots

Shrink: How would you rate your depression right now?
Me: 0 out of 5 stars. Would not recommend.

@thenatewolf

What era would you have fit best in? Mine is the one where whenever anything went wrong you could blame witches.

@ZAKagan

Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful

Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all

@MacAnnabella

Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a giraffe.

Giraffe: yay!

God: you have a very long neck.

Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?

God: uh-sure.

Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!

God: no-

Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.

God:

Giraffe: feels like 72 : )