scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
Yeah I do yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
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Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
Shrink: How would you rate your depression right now?
Me: 0 out of 5 stars. Would not recommend.
What era would you have fit best in? Mine is the one where whenever anything went wrong you could blame witches.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
God: you’re a giraffe.
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait