yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
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My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
Best mom ever 😂
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee