“Yeah I just really enjoy playing devil’s avocado sometimes”

Teacher: devil’s advocate?

Me [grabbing trident and avocado costume]: no.

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NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike

[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]

PATIENT: *Opens one eye*


DATE: I think marriage is sooo beautiful

ME: [trying to impress her] well my wedding is tomorrow you should come


I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience


Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.


FB lets you write your sex in now, so I have officially become a hat.


11: can I see one of your last tweets?

Me: *pulls up tweet*

11: no, I meant a funny one


Somewhere out there, my soulmate is adorably pushing on a pull door.


Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…


[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out