America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
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peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”