NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
“Yeah I just really enjoy playing devil’s avocado sometimes”
Teacher: devil’s advocate?
Me [grabbing trident and avocado costume]: no.
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DATE: I think marriage is sooo beautiful
ME: [trying to impress her] well my wedding is tomorrow you should come
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
FB lets you write your sex in now, so I have officially become a hat.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Somewhere out there, my soulmate is adorably pushing on a pull door.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Shower sex be like:
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out