@jctwritesstuff

Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.

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@AimeeHelene1

(my first day in customer service)

Caller: I can’t understand you.

Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…

Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”

@bazecraze

I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.

Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*

@collinwithtwoLs

*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy

@ArfMeasures

Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder

McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t have to put Mc in front of words

Me: Oh ok *turns to customer* welcome to Donalds

@evaandheriud

it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman

@AshToTheFuture

Inside of you are two wolves: one that understands data privacy is important, and one that will hand over literally any piece of personal data if it means getting food delivered to your house with little to no human interaction

@peanusts

elon musk is what happens when the ghost of a 14 y/o who died in 2011 and the ghost of a 19th century oil baron try to possess the same body

@mikeleffingwell

It’s weird how after they couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together the King’s men were like “Let’s give the horses a shot at it”

@iamburtjarvis

if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.

1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.

2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.