HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
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9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!