Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
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Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.