Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
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step 6: release the wall snake
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago