@groovyspecs

Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency

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@KalvinMacleod

[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2

@PaperWash

[1st date]

date: …you said you had abs

me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan

@HoldinCoffeeld

This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.

@chuuew

ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!

COP: Where were you the night of murder?

@TheRealRHB

As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe

@JohnHilsen

Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.

@RandomAntics

Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.

@Alex_N_Chains

I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.

@MiSsSnObBy

I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….