@groovyspecs

Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency

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@sweetmomissa

Does anyone else start hearing the Jumanji drum sound right before their kids come home from school?

@Soo_Scandalouss

I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..

@AmishPornStar1

It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!

@Playing_Dad

[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?

@Chalu_Chokra

Dear Samsung,

please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.

@DurtMcHurtt

When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.

@werehedgehog

Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.

@TheTweetOfGod

Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.

@JillianKarger

me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both

me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet