ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
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Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Some guy commented on my all-black outfit today: “So whose funeral is it?”
I told him I haven decided yet.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
why do parents get mad when u sleep all day like im staying out of trouble and im not spending your money like what is the issue here
Look, kid, sorry I ate your ice cream out of your hand but at the rate you were licking, it was either gonna be me or the ground.
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
Facebook should have a limit on times you can change your relationship status… After 3 it should default to “Unstable”