Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
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I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste