Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
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There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.