Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.

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It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.


superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts

me: this is relatable as hell


Prince: should I use a ladder or your hair to climb up to you?



Murderer: [points a gun at me]

Me: Please, I have no spouse or kids, my life is awesome


Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles


DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]

DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?

DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]


Calm down car stereo volume I’m not the same person I was yesterday.


7y: mummy, how long have you been married to daddy?
Me: 7 years
7y: how long have you got left?


Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?

So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.